For those who don’t know, I had surgery December 5, 2018, on my shoulder. Specifically I had a bicep tenodesis and labrum repair. It was SO much easier than I anticipated (with the help of a pain pump for the three days following surgery!!) and I was so incredibly thankful. When physical therapy started, I knew it would be painful getting my shoulder moving again and improving my range of motion. What I did NOT anticipate was the scar tissue and the extreme pain of trying to alleviate it. The massages from my therapists leave me in tears. They expect me to do this to myself, at home, on my days away from their office and honestly it makes me nearly sick to my stomach to think of touching these “marbles” in my shoulder. It. Is. Painful. I have prayed, I have begged, I have cried in anticipation of appointments. This week I had therapy on Tuesday – which was awful. They used the “cupping” technique on my scar tissue in addition to the massage and now I’m left with purple/red circles to mark my pain points. Yesterday (Wednesday) I spent in tears many times, worrying about the appointment for today (Thursday). What I did not anticipate, was realizing this morning that EVERY SINGLE devotion I have read this week was about NOT WORRYING. About not borrowing trouble. About not rehearsing your troubles or multiplying your suffering. Ummm. Ouch.
I love that Jesus created us to need Him. I am saddened when I hear someone so proudly proclaim they are independent and self-sufficient and don’t need anyone. Jesus created us to do the opposite of that. To need Him…rely on Him…call on Him. I felt like I had been doing that through this season of pain, so in my mind I had submitted this pain to Him…but I have been reminded that it is more than praying through it. I have to stop worrying about this. Let’s run through some math…. I wake up around 5 every morning to start my day. I go to bed around 10 most nights. That is 17 waking hours. Of that 17 hours, physical therapy takes up approximately 1 hour. (By the way, not even the whole hour is the extreme pain…it’s probably made up of about 10-15 minutes. It lingers, yes, but nothing compares to that few minutes!) I have been literally crying, worrying – a HOT MESS – about Thursday. THURS.DAY. When, really, I am dreading that PT appt. That hour. That 1/17th of time for Thursday. A day of cooking breakfast for my hubby…the opportunity to take my baby girl to school…of loving my family by doing their laundry…playing with puppies…cooking for my family…ALL THE THINGS – ALL THE GOOD THINGS. I have been crying over less than 6% of a day.
More than that…I have missed time being thankful. Missed time with my family because I was upset over the pain, the impending appointment, missed fellowship with friends. I feel so silly….so guilty!!
I am SO THANKFUL for a Jesus who forgives and who pursues me – no matter how stubborn I am! He put the words in front of me day after day this week and FINALLY let me SEE them. Yesterday my devotion said, “Relax in His Peace.” Ha! Let’s just say I did NOT listen. Monday it said, “Laugh at the future.” Ummmm…for SUUUUUURE I am laughing at myself right now!!! Today I was reminded to be thankful and how He made this day. This day that I have dreaded and L I T E R A L L Y cried over – He made it!!!! Can you imagine creating something that is beautiful and holds so many blessings and someone acting like a BABY OVER IT and pitching an ALL OUT fit in dread and worry and anxiety????? (I’m guessing if you’re a Mom you probably have experienced this because KIDS, but whatever!!!)
So – let me not waste another minute having my little pity party. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get my shoulder repaired and having a chance at better range of motion. I am thankful for my surgeons and my physical therapists and their commitment to health and wellness. I am depending on Jesus and calling on Him to get me through my appointment today as well as my home exercies/massages. He will strengthen me, I know!
Friends, do not let problems and troubles of this world be bigger than your faith in Him. He is bigger and stronger than them all…we just have to remember it and stay in communication with Him. The closer we are to Him, the easier it is to remember.