Tag Archives: trust

Letting Go by Looking Up

30 Jan

I wouldn’t at all be surprised to find that when I attempt to save this blog post I am prompted to change the title due to the fact that I have already written one named this.  It seems like it’s something I have struggled with, constantly.  Feeling the need to control or be in control or….well, worry.

Let me back up really fast before I dive in.  I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression in my life and I deal with both quite regularly.  It doesn’t mean I am never happy or always fidgety or ever crazy…it just means that is my reality and just as you’d take medicine for cholesterol or diabetes, I take medication for that.  End of story, not up for debate and save the judging for Jesus, okurrrr?  🙂

So….when I go to a retreat or am in a period of deep thought or reading a devotion I am consistently looking for what the Lord is showing me through His Word, praise and worship music and through other people.  I was blessed to be able to attend You Are last weekend.  If you are local…or not…you need to just start planning on being there next year.  It is indescribable. Such a gift that I live just a few miles from where it is held but honestly, after going the last two years…if they moved it to the moon I’d be there!   It is so well thought out…with times of praise, worship, prayer, teaching, fellowship and even shopping!  One of the greatest moments I experienced there this year was in the prayer room….  Again, I can’t even describe the feeling of being one of HUNDREDS of women literally waiting in a line for prayer (by over twenty other women that were pouring out prayers over others!!)…it was a surreal moment to see the huge calling for prayer set before me so visually….and to be honest that was the first thing I thought of in reflection.  It gave me a new focus and new thirst to be in prayer for those that are hurting, doubting, stressing, searching…..just all the things.  Whew.

As I prepared my heart for even getting out of my seat to go to that place, I found myself wrestling with the question of what exactly I was going to ask for prayer about.  My health?  My family?  Our country? My parents or inlaws?  Friends that are in need of healing?  Friends that are hurting?  These are things I pray for every single day, mind you…but would I use this time to really focus on any of those things?  I literally started making a list in my notes of the things that I found myself worrying about….x, y, z….1, 2, 3….and I had quite a list, y’all.  I was saying to myself…”hmm, I worry about this and that and them and those”…..and then, I am just going to tell you exactly how it happened…..I prayed one more time for the Lord to just fix my eyes on the thing that He would have me pray for.  My eyes searched up and down the list I had made…..and then as clear as the sun, a word jumped off of the page…..as I realized it was listed over and over and over (honestly more than I even remember writing it!!) – WORRY.

Y’all this was NOT breaking news for me.  This was not some revelation that I never realized I had a problem with.  This was the same old thing creeping back up and making me realize I push it back down and don’t deal with it.  SO many times I pray about trusting more, I push it down and then it pops up again….within MOMENTS.  Not this time.  I am telling you that had the devil himself stood between me and that prayer room I truly believe I could have fought him with my own little hands.  This was an urgent kind of need to pray….but I am not going to paint the picture that I went in there and never “worried” once I stepped foot in there…because I did just that.  Once I wrote my name on a tag and sort of came out of the “moment” a bit…I started to (over)think about who I might be praying with.  Would I have to tell them my life story?  How could I work in the depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome, move from NC to TX, the fact that I’ve had five surgeries in as many years (four of those pretty major)…in a short period of time and still get across ALL THE THINGS?  My heart raced.

But, God.

When the sweet lady led me to the face of the woman that would be praying over me, I saw a friend.  As a matter of fact, I had sat beside her the night before at the conference.  We had held hands in prayer for the conference.  We have had coffee dates and she was even my Bible study leader my first year here in Texas.  She gave me a look of, “are you ok with me praying for you?” and I laughed and said “YES!!  I don’t have to tell you my life story – you already know it!!”

So, with all of that behind me, and as another reminder that He has little ole ME in the palm of His pierced hands….I admitted that I have a problem with WORRYING.  That sometimes it consumes me and I know it’s not healthy.  I know it’s not something He rejoices in.  I know it is not from Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt, that He wants more for me.  He wants me to trust Him completely.  With the huge things – which I seem to have less of a problem with….but also, with the silly things that seem to “worry” me all day long!  I received such a blessing in that prayer room…a prayer so sweet, so freeing, so intentional and so perfect JUST FOR ME.  I truly believe the Holy Spirit got me to that room and interceded where I was absolutely DREADING to go and admit my failures.  When I think of the BIG things in life, I truly feel like I trust Jesus….totally.  But, y’all, with the mundane little things?  The things that likely most of you don’t even bat an eyelash at????  Ummmmmmmmm…….

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Seriously, that was my life!!!  All the doctor appointments, the waiting for test results, the day to day things that were not 100% clear or answered – WORRY.  The feeling that I might not be doing enough, or doing too much, or being unsure about directions to a place…the worry that I might feel *gasp* embarrassed.

Well. Not. Any. Longer.

I cannot tell you the peace or difference that I feel today versus even Friday.  Only hours have passed but I feel like a lifetime has.  I cannot imagine the hours I have wasted in my life of trying to retain control over a situation that was absolutely not mine.  That was not my circus, my monkeys, my family or even my friends….  I have always excused my worrying ways with statements like “I just worry for everyone” or “that’s just me” or by calling it something that it is not – like anxiety.  They are two different things.  Yes, both can lead to physical FEELINGS but my worry was out of control and Jesus is healing it.  He is helping me remove that from my life and I cannot tell you the weight that is off of my shoulders today.

I have not shared this with anyone, becuase I felt like I needed to tell the WHOLE story – all at once – and not pieces of it…so that it’s clear that I am not judging people who have a tendency to worry.  You do you, boo.  I had to deal with the root cause of a lot of the issues I was facing – the things that were keeping me up at night – the things I felt so deeply were affecting my daily life (besides my fatigue) in such a large way.   This was a HUGE thing…and does it likely feed into the depression and anxiety that I face?  I have a hard time thinking it does not.  So, who knows how this whole thing will effectively change my life in more ways than one?  God does.  He’s already worked this all out and tied it up in a bow….and I’m just here with a smile on my face, a song in my heart and a considerably stuffy nose from the crazy amounts of crying I did this weekend.  It was amazing, to say the least.  To know that there was a purpose for my attendance there, totally just makes me so grateful that I answered His call to go.

I am already so very excited for next year’s conference.  Instead of worrying about who I’ll go with, what I’ll wear, the perfect time to arrive….my thoughts are full of promise and wonder about what answers He will reveal to me next year.  What will this year in between look like for my spiritual walk?  How is He going to use me to show and tell others about His love and His provision?  Ohhh the possibilities are endless and so is His love.  For that, I am SO grateful.  Without a worry in the world.

 

Heart Broken Week (Pt. 3)

17 Dec

That was scary, y’all.

Though I have heard all the words that revolve around heart attacks and heart issues, learning about them through the lens of how they affect my husband has been quite an experience. I think in Part 2 I left off with us getting home on Thursday. I think we both slept SO hard that night. Post-hospital exhaustion is so real!!

Mike listened to the advice of the physicians and took it very easy over the weekend. No working, no lifting, just lots of rest and fluids. I was very proud of him for being a good patient. He can be very hard headed in case that was not obvious to y’all by now! 😉

Monday was a big day! He went back to work…but instead of getting up at 4:50 and leaving around 5:45 or so he got up around 6:30 and left around 7:20….which of course changed my schedule around but soooo worth it if it alleviates some stress for my sweet hubby!

I took him lunch around 11:45 and he sat in the car with me to eat for about 30 mins…not talking about work but just chit chatting about kids and our upcoming trip home to NC and how he was feeling. No rushing to get back in the office, just enjoying the time together.

MJ had a basketball game that was earlier than normal and he met us there a few minutes before 4 pm so his day was short. It was probably the perfect scenario for the first day back from his episode last week. The Lord really worked that out for him….not a stressful day back at all. So many of his work days are and I am so grateful that the Lord saw fit to spare him in countless ways!

He has been SO tired. Exhausted, really. I am not sure if it’s the meds, the after effects of the trauma and emotions and lost sleep or the return to work yesterday but he was asleep by 8 pm last night! I had to wake him up to take his nightly medicine with some toast! His wrist was sore last night, likely from using his laptop keyboard – and it’s his right hand – and he’s right handed…so I sort of expected that. The site of the entry looks fine – so thankful for that! He has had ZERO chest pain since before the stent. Other than a mild headache he has really been amazed at how he feels!

We have had so many conversations about how the whole thing went down last week and there are so many ways that we can see how God shaped and orchestrated the days leading up to THE DAY. There are ways that we have both been blessed by family and friends and strangers that I can’t even recount them all. There are new fears and new worries, yes. But there are also renewed promises and faith and knowledge that through it all, we were blessed.

I can’t thank everyone who was praying for us enough. I heard from people far and wide and we felt your prayers. We felt peace. We felt love. I am so incredibly grateful.

Mike’s follow up appointment is tomorrow and I sure hope they are ready for me…I mean him! LOL Let’s just say I.HAVE.QUESTIONS. This post heart attack life is going to be different….we are going to learn from it and we are going to move forward with renewed hope that we can make it through anything with faith and with one another!

I will update again once we have that appointment with any new information that we learn and I am certain I’ll have more thoughts and emotions and yes…probably more questions!!!

Change is good (Period. Exclamation! Question Mark?)

18 Jan

I don’t know if the title of my post is a question, a statement, or a cry.  Sometimes you think you want or need change and it’s awesome.  It’s just what the soul needed.  Sometimes you don’t expect it and there it is – BOOM.  It hurts, it’s awkward…it makes your insides ache.  Sometimes it just is.  It happens and you’re not happy or sad about it.  You just roll with it and move on.

So many people tackle the “new year” with such fervor.  Such hope and joy and expectations galore.  I just wish I could sit down with a large percentage of them and just ask some questions…why now? what have you been waiting on? what is different on January 1st that couldn’t have started June 2nd or September 6th or May 9th? is there some magical reset that takes place with the tossing of a calendar?

I think we all know that’s absurd. As adults we know that we can start fresh anytime.  We can turn away from the past and move on to a new path.  As a Christian, I know that I MUST turn away.  When you ask for forgiveness, you do so with repentance.  To turn away from the old.  That means you STOP doing that thing that you are asking forgiveness for.  Boy, if teenagers REPENTED to their parents wouldn’t life be simple?  If your husband REPENTED, would you not have a happier home?  So, what stops us?  Being human?  Being weak?  Being sinners?  I am so convicted this week about this.  I am so convicted about having a pure home.  I want this for my children.  I don’t wish to shelter them, no…but I do wish to have my heart softened.  To not make excuses.  To want the best for them.  To want what God wants for them.  To know it’s possible.  To pray for it.  To ache for that.  To remember…Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  It doesn’t say I can TRY…it says I CAN.

If you are reading this and aren’t saved, don’t know what it is to be a Christian or don’t know how to ask Jesus into your heart – please do reach out.  I’d love to talk to you and answer any questions you might have.  My email is mrsjmejones@gmail.com.  

Forgiveness

7 Jun

A couple of weeks ago, one of our pastors preached on FORGIVENESS.  I walked away with many thoughts about this topic.  I find it interesting that so many people throw around the request to be forgiven as well as the words “I forgive you.”….funny how it becomes easy to SAY.  How good are we at actually DOING it?  Pastor Murr talked about how when we are presented an opportunity to forgive, we should remember how WE WERE FORGIVEN.  And we were.  And are.  Over and over.  Because we sin.  Daily.  Our Lord forgives us.  He already has.  He paid the debt for all of our sins and we are FORGIVEN.  Who are we to not forgive someone for hurting us, for lying to us, for letting us down.  How many times have you done that to Jesus?  Jesus isn’t bitter.  He doesn’t love us less or treat us differently.  He forgives and forgets it.  Try it.

Water, Water, Everywhere

21 Jan

My prompt for today:  What is your biggest concern about the future of the environment?

Obviously, I’m concerned about the future for a few reasons….  Of course I just CARE.  I’d like to see this world we live in thrive and be green and pretty and all that jazz…  However, if the Lord doesn’t return soon and I leave this world before my children are left to hang around and endure it – I’d like for them to have pretty things to see, air to breath (that doesn’t harm them), animals to observe and clean water to drink.  I think water is a big deal for me for a few reasons….I LOVE IT first of all.  I love to drink it, swim in it, see it, you name it!  My job is obviously greatly affected by water.  We want people to ENJOY it…we want people to benefit from the cleanliness of it…we want to MOVE it…  It’s a big deal, y’all!!  I could give you lots of stats but you all know the deal.  There’s a lot of water.  There’s a lot of pollution.  There’s a lot of work to do…we just need to be sure we’re all doing it, that our government is funding someone doing it and that we are all supporting it!!!

 

Save the people, Save the world

17 Jan

So my writing prompt today is:  How would you start saving the world if you woke up tomorrow with superhuman powers?

I don’t need superhuman powers to know what our world needs.  Our world needs Jesus.  Our world needs to know the love of our God, who gave up His only Son…for us.  To save US.  If we all, every one of us, kept that in our minds all day, every day…I wonder how the world would be different.  Maybe the shootings might end?  Would the deceit and lies and petty things and adultery and theft all cease?  If you thought of your sin as a direct mark or hit on Jesus – would it stop you?  Stop looking to be saved by acts or power or money or deeds and look to the One who can do it….Jesus.  Invite Him into your heart.  Pray this:

Father, I know I’m a sinner and that I don’t deserve eternal life.  Please forgive me.  I want to turn away from my past sinful life and turn towards you.  Please help me to not sin again.  I know that you sent your son, Jesus Christ, to die for me and my sins.  I also know that He is alive and hears this prayer.  I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from today forward.  I accept Your gift of eternal life.  In Jesus’ name, AMEN!

If you prayed that….tell me!  Tell everyone!  Welcome to the family….  🙂  Praise the Lord!!!

Super Jamie!!!

14 Jan

So, as you all know, I’m doing this blog challenge so some of the posts are a little “out there” and ask silly questions.  I feel like I want to finish this though…soo…today’s was:  “If you were a superhero, what would be your hidden superpower?”

I have never thought about this (except on Saturday when I learned that SOME PEOPLE see words in their head instead of pictures when they are searching for content – WHAT?????) at all.  I read this on Friday though and have been thinking about it ever since.  As of now, I GOT NOTHIN.  I have no desire to see through walls or hear what people are thinking.  I don’t think I’d want to see the future or breathe fire out of my nose.  I don’t want to be able to have spidey senses that would tingle or leap tall buildings.  Currently, I am happy with reading into people’s actions, listening to their words and I wear contacts that help my deteriorating vision.  I have faith in the future since my Lord has told me to not worry about it.  Fire?  Me?  I’m way too hot-natured.  Spidey senses would probably be worse than those few times I’ve forgotten to take my thyroid medicine.  Tall buildings are pretty cool to look UP at so I’m good there.  I can wash clothes, watch Lifetime and raise children all at one time.  I can cook supper, clean dishes and have a conversation with my hubby without burning anything.  I can conference call, create spreadsheets, and handle personnel all at once.

Basically – I am a mom, wife, daughter and a manager – so CLEARLY – being SUPER?  It’s in the job description!  🙂

Sing a Little Song…Or…Not.

13 Jan

Can I share a confession with you?

I dream to sing in a choir.  Like, when I’m at church, I picture myself up there.  I love to sing.  I love to sing praise music.

However – I have amazingly low self-esteem.  I’m shy.  And I’m crazy self-conscious about EVERYTHING.  My voice, my body, my face, my freckles, my everything!  Now, I know that God made me and he doesn’t make any junk…..sure!  However, the feeling I get when I think of putting myself out there like that?  SCARY!!!!

Will you pray with me that God can use this self-conscious person to sing his praises before I do it in Heaven?  I am quite sure I will there…but I’d kinda like to do it BEFORE then!

Just Reflection

14 Dec

My heart is really heavy tonight.  I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, I’ve read, I’ve watched…I’ve tried to comprehend the details and then shut my computer in dismay.  I have hugged my children, absorbed in their scents, and thanked the Lord for my blessings.  I feel so incredibly sad for the families of the little angels that lost their lives today.  I feel so raw with emotion that I can’t even put into words exactly how it makes me feel.  I am looking to my Lord.  I am not asking for answers or understanding or even peace.  What I ask is for more people to trust Him.  More people to have the kind of faith that moves mountains.  That heals hearts.  That forgives.  Those children were so innocent, so unfinished.  Surely so loved by a parent or two….grandparents…great-grandparents..aunts..uncles…brothers…sisters.  Those small little hands and fingers and toes….so small and yet so missed this evening.  I cannot even imagine the hurt and loss that their families must be feeling.  But, even so, I pray that they have faith.  I pray that they look to Him.  I pray that they would draw closer and nearer to the only one who can deliver them.  I pray that they would know Him, love Him, trust Him.  Only through Him will they once again see those small eyes and be reunited among streets of gold!!!  I pray for comfort for these people, this town, our country.  We surely need many things…but most of all, Him.

Not blogging, just being…

17 Nov

So, I’ve honestly not worried that I’ve neglected my blog lately…and with good reason.  I have been busy getting better, spending time with my family, working, the usual.  I’ve also been sure to tell my family I love them, and I’m starting on my quest to tell people when they hurt my feelings, to tell people when they make me mad and to express my opinions out loud.  It is a good feeling to lay down at night and not worry that you’ve left something unsaid.  I’m still finding it hard at times and I know that has way more to do with ME than anyone else.  Still working at it….and I know it will get easier.

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