Tag: Fatigue

Thanks, Paul…for the roller coaster

On By mrsjmejonesIn about us, Bible, Blogging, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, College Station, Doctors, family, friendship, grateful, home, hubby, kids, love, marriage, mono, my heart, positive thinking, praise, prayers, serious, sickness, sleep, Texas, trust, trust in Jesus, worryLeave a comment

If you’re reading this, you probably already know that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Unfortunately, this little gem of an illness doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason…any schedule or plan…  Some weeks I have four amazing, consecutive days and three blah, sleepy days.  Some weeks I have five horrible days and two okay.  Again, no….rhyme…..or……reason.

You would think I would be accustomed to this by now and it wouldn’t hit me so hard, but since I’m human and all…it still does.  Day one of a “funk” is usually not too bad but any more than that and I, unfortunately, let it get the best of me.  I doubt myself, I worry about other health conditions, I stress about what I am *not* doing.  I am sad because I am missing out, I’m angry at my own body for fighting itself and then I feel guilty because I know God is in control.  Oh…and that whole, “someone else has it worse” game I play is brutal sometimes, y’all.

So….a few days of this and I REALLY start to feel convicted.  I feel horrible that I am doubting God…that I am worrying (sinning) and forgetting everything I know to be true.  I am forgetting that there is peace in rest.  I am forgetting how amazingly understanding that my family and friends are.  I am forgetting how capable my family is of taking care of things when I can’t.  I am forgetting to give grace to the one person that I so easily forget to give it to 99% of the time – myself.

Many times I wonder if it’s just me. Am I the only person who has this roller coaster of a mind that sins…then recognizes it…then repents…only to do the whole cycle again KNOWING FULL WELL that I am doing it?

Well, as I was reading in Romans this morning I found that my buddy Paul wrote to let me know that I AM NOT ALONE.

Romans 7:14-25 {ESV version below} is a roller coaster.  Not a long steady track with just one twist and a drop, either.  It’s upside-down, looping, twisting, turning and a looooong drop before coming to rest on level, safe ground.

14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Paul is struggling here.  Paul wants to do right, he knows the right thing to do, but he lacks power internally to resist the impulse of sin.  Through verses 20-23 he is battling himself and by verse 24 he is worn OUT. He has tried ALL THE WAYS to fight this battle on his own and he finally says “who will deliver me”….not “how will I deliver myself”.  Verse 25 was beautiful music to my ears this morning.  Paul finally looks outside of himself to Jesus and immediately has something to thank God for!  He admits his struggle but thanks God for the victory in Jesus!  He isn’t pretending that looking to Jesus immediately wipes away the struggle – Jesus works through us, not instead of us in the war against sin.  He knows there is victory in Jesus.  I once heard it described as, “we fight FROM victory, not FOR victory.”

I needed this reminder that it is NOT about me.  It’s not about MY body.  It’s not about my hopes of how the day will go or how much I get done or who I let down by not being able to show up. Every day, every step, every decision – it is about Jesus!  He guides us, He gives us rest, He forgives us, He gives us grace and He will give my mind peace, too.  But, I have to look to Him for all these things.  I can’t do it alone.  I can’t win.  He already did.

Focusing on the grace…not so much the race

On By mrsjmejonesIn about us, Blogging, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, College Station, Diet, Doctors, family, friendship, grateful, home, hubby, insomnia, kids, lists, love, marriage, memory, MJ, mono, my heart, occupation, positive thinking, praise, prayers, serious, sickness, sleep, Texas, travel, trust, trust in Jesus, Weight Loss Surgery4 Comments

This is a post I’ve wanted to share for a long time. I’ve written probably fifteen iterations of it over the last few months and every time I let fear win…I delete…I walk away…I keep it to myself.

I’ve not landed on a word for 2020 yet. I had one last year…I’ll probably decide on one this year, but it’s something I do with prayer and intention…but I can tell you that a theme I keep hearing in music, in scripture, in prayer and in life – is SHARING. So, I’m going to DO THAT. When I feel something resonate with me that I hope can help others, I have a natural inclination to want to share it. So here it is today:

Having something wrong with you that others cannot see is a struggle. When I show up at Bible Study with my hair curled, a dress on and my shoes actually match…you don’t know that I had to wash my hair the night before because there’s no way I can wash, dry and fix my hair without a break in between. You don’t know that I had to pick out my clothes the night before to make it easier for myself the next morning or that I decided against makeup because holding my arms up for extended periods of time makes me exhausted. You don’t see the tears I cried last night because I didn’t feel like cooking dinner for my family because I knew it would wear me out and that a bath would be out of the question….because even that is tiring. You don’t see the depression that cycles from missing out on life events…the anxiety that comes with planning anything – literally anything – because I am afraid that when it rolls around I will be too fatigued to show up. You don’t see the worry that comes from letting people down and fearing that they won’t give you grace – again.  You don’t see the disappointment from getting excited about getting out and doing something but then it’s “one of those days” and there is NO way you can make it out of the house….and quite frankly, the bed.  You don’t see the way I miss the race of deadlines and a work family and last minute presentations.

Chronic fatigue syndrome is a THING.  It is one of MY things and I have truly tried to own it.  To just live with it…to give MYSELF the grace that I’d extend to any of my loved ones.  To pace myself. To do what I can and focus on THAT.  Focusing on the things I can’t do…the things I run out of steam for…the things that do not get crossed off of the list? That leads to frustration, shame and sadness.  Which puts me in a funk…which leads to a depressive state…which….are you seeing a pattern here?

When you see someone with a cast or a sling or hear them coughing or see visible scars – is your inclination to judge them or feel a certain pang of hurt for their illness/injury?  Just because all scars are not visible does not mean that we don’t all have them and need that sympathetic/empathatic smile you’d give someone that you knew was going through something based on their appearance.  I have to tell you, I barely made it through this afternoon.  I overcommitted myself this week and I was struggling this afternoon.  Once I had the chance, I got comfy and I slept for HOURS. I needed it. It didn’t mean I am lazy or worthless or unproductive.  It meant I was taking care of a need.  I needed rest.  But don’t think I didn’t go to my calendar, make a line for rest, draw a box AND CHECKED IT OFF.  Focus on what you CAN do, friends.  It makes a world of difference.

*******SIDE NOTE TANGENT BELOW*******

While I’m at it…a reminder…check on your friends.  The sick, the well, the strong, the weak.  The busy, the bored, the employed, the retired, the traveling, the homebodies….ALL THE PEOPLE.  Ask how they are…and listen to the answer.  And y’all…if someone asks how you are, TELL THEM.  I don’t know about you but I mean it when I ask someone how they are really doing….I want to hear the truth.  I don’t want to a hear a standard answer or a flippant reply.  I want to know HOW they ARE….how can I be praying for them….have the prayers I’ve been praying been answered?  I value my friendships…I value my prayer time…and I want to be sure that my friends know I am praying for them with intention, as specific as possible and as often as I say I am.